Howdy, Bears fans! Fellow Monsters of the Midway diehard here, and I know — it’s hard to deal with this season. Last week’s win over the Commanders was a glimmer of hope, but we all know the stark reality is that the Chicago Bears’ rebuild cycle continues ad nauseam.
Our Chicago Bears look like zombies on the field, barring a few electric plays, and the sportsbooks have caught on. Chicago’s odds to do… well, anything this season are long at best, astronomical at worst. The buzz surrounding the Bears’ locker room and management is tinged with pessimism. It’s a disease only the best of the best can cure, so today we’re looking at five fictional coaches who could turn the Bears around.
But first, let’s look at the odds.
Chicago Bears odds
Is it even worth looking at the Bears’ 2024 Super Bowl odds? Probably not, but hey, we’re already here. FanDuel lists da Bears at +50000, ahead of only the Panthers and Cardinals and tied with the Broncos and Giants. DraftKings puts Chicago in line with the Patriots and Giants at +20000. All to be expected following Chicago’s time driving the struggle bus this season.
Every sportsbook I checked puts the Bears at dead last in the NFC North, so a conference or playoffs bet is a stark picture, too. Even the ailing Packers, lacking their former franchise QB and missing Aaron Jones for weeks now, have a much better shot at the NFC North, according to sportsbook odds.
I won’t belabor the point. If you’re a Bears fan, you get it. You feel the pain. It’s a pain only the highest of hopes can cure, and reality has a way of crushing such hopes for Bears’ fans. So today, we’re taking a break from reality. Instead, let’s look at five fictional coaches who could fix this Bears team, if only they were real.
Ted Lasso, Ted Lasso
I wish I could pluck this Jason Sudeikis character right out of his Apple TV series, drop him in the Bears locker room with a “Believe” sign, and say “do your thing.” Ted Lasso brings Richmond AFC together by building trust, listening, and promoting team unity. He’s exactly what the Chicago Bears need right now. Throw Coach Beard in as an added bonus to give the Bears some semblance of football knowledge that their back office seems to sorely lack, and you’ve got a Super Bowl-winning Chicago team on your hands.
Hayden Fox, Coach
I do have a bone to pick with Hayden Fox — his hatred of theater kids — but beyond that, I’ve gotta admit he could be the coach to turn the Bears into a powerhouse team. Like all the best coaches — real or fictional — Fox succeeds in building the confidence of those around him. He makes his Minnesota State players and staff believe they’re winners, and whaddya know, they soon win. He’s so good at his job, that he eventually gets offered a job in the NFL. He’s got the chops, and the Bears could use some chops themselves.
Jimmy McGinty, The Replacements
The Replacements has a plot that feels shockingly reminiscent of the Bears’ current plight. The movie’s fictional football league goes on strike, and the head honchos agree to play the final four games with replacement players. Is that so different from the Bears’ perennial rebuild status? I think not.
Jimmy McGinty, played by Gene Hackman, is tapped to coach these new players, and he turns their fear of failing into a drive to succeed. If you’ve seen the fear in the Bears’ on-field play this season like I have, then you know full well they could use a healthy dose of Jimmy McGinty.
Gordon Bombay, The Mighty Ducks
Bombay’s story is one of perseverance. After years of struggling with two tough childhood losses, he later hits rock bottom and is arrested for drunk driving. Sentenced to 500 hours of community service, he begins coaching the District 5 youth hockey team. The team has no equipment, facility, or hockey skills to speak of. He brings a ragtag team of peewee players to the championship, overcoming his own internal conflicts along the way. Perhaps the Bears need someone who knows what it’s like to hit rock bottom, so they can relate.
Mr. Miyagi, Karate Kid
Patience. Control. Awareness. Three things the Bears need a whole lot of. Mr. Miyagi can teach them to even the most stubborn kid. Why not the Bears? Though his lessons exist firmly in the realm of karate, I’d bet Miyago could wax on, wax off the Bears into a winning team.