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Anyone who has ever played keno has probably encountered a keno runner, a pleasant, friendly, comely individual who carrier-pigeons bets and tickets between the player and the keno lounge. While she is often as engaging as she appears, here are some topics of conversation you might want to avoid.

1. She walks up to pick up your first ticket of the night. You say “I’ve never seen a keno runner as gorgeous as you!”

She smiles and replies: “Why, thank you Sir!”

She’s thinking: “This may be your lucky night, bucko, but you’re not THAT lucky!”

Here’s a clue: Treat her like she’s your sister, for at least the first twenty minutes you’ve EVER known her.

2. She comes back to pick up your tickets again. You say: “Does your boyfriend like you working here?”

She smiles (again) and says: “Well, working in a casino CAN be rough on relationships.”

She’s thinking: “I don’t have a boyfriend, I have a linebacker. You don’t REALLY want to meet him!”

Here’s a clue: You’re fishing all right, but you forgot something ”” like a hook, some bait, a net and a pole.

3. When she delivers your tickets a few minutes later, you grin and say: “I don’t usually get involved with keno girls.”

She winks, grins, and replies: “I don’t usually get involved with keno girls either!”

She’s thinking: “I bet you don’t get involved much with cocktail waitresses or dealers either, Bud.”

Here’s a clue: When you sober up, go home and check your mirrors for reflectivity.

4. You like the way she walks, which gives you this idea: “I bet running keno keeps you in good shape.”

She says: “Yeah, I cover about 10 miles a shift.”

She’s thinking: “If running his mouth was an Olympic event, this guy’d be a medalist.”

Here’s a clue: She’s got ground to cover, and a few more body doubles to deal with besides you, Commander Cody.

5. You see her talking to some guy at the keno counter between games. You say brightly: “Is that your boyfriend over there?”

She says: “Him? Nah, he’s just a good friend… a cop actually… stops by a couple times a week to walk me to my car.”

She’s thinking: “Who IS this guy?”

Here’s a clue: What did you expect her to say, “Yes”? She doesn’t KNOW you, it’s none of your business, and besides, even if it is her boyfriend she may have a husband too. Oh, my! Are you into foursomes, big guy?

6. You evaluate, get less personal (you sensitive guy.) You ask: “Is working in a casino hard?”

She says: “Some places are tough, but this place is a LOT of fun to work at!”

She’s thinking: “My feet hurt.”

Here’s a clue: Outside of making her living, she probably cares less for casinos than YOU do.

7. Here’s an idea. You ask: “Is it OK to give you a tip?”

She lights up and says: “Well, if you think I deserve one, it’s fine!”

She’s thinking: “A pretty bright thought for such a dim bulb.”

Here’s a clue: The casino pays her $6-$7 an hour.

8. That last response merits a follow-up: “Do you have to split your tips with anyone?”

She thoughtfully replies: “I’m sorry, casino policy doesn’t allow me to talk about tips.”

She’s thinking: “IRS, I knew it!”

Here’s a clue: Did you bring your 1040 down for her to peruse? And, can you prove you’re NOT with the IRS? Leave it alone.

9. You think she’d look real cute bending over, so next time she arrives you accidentally drop your tickets on the floor.

She says, “Oh don’t worry about it, no problem!”

She’s thinking: “Don’t EVEN mess with Mother Nature.”

Here’s a clue: Never mind, you wouldn’t understand. But I bet you don’t mess with your bartender this way. Or do you?

10. Finally. You hit a ticket! $3,248! You say to her, after she’s paid you: “I’m going to tip you 10 percent of my net, after playing and taxes. Give me your number and I’ll call you.”

She says: “Never mind.”

She’s thinking: Never mind.

Here’s a clue: Money talks, runners walk!

Well, that’s it for this week, see you in line!


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