Requesting an OTon gift to athletes

Dec 14, 2004 6:34 AM

Reading that the Arizona Diamondbacks had signed third baseman Troy Glaus for $45 million for four years, plus up to $250,000 a year for "personal business expenses" and a suite on road trips, I began worrying what to buy my pro athlete friends for Christmas.

Then, unsolicited and unexpected, I received a very slick magazine called OT, answering all my questions.

I had never seen or heard of it, which is not hard to explain, because it is not intended for the eyes of peasants. It is designed for professional athletes, and for the fancy ladies who surround them. It calls itself "The Business and Lifestyle Guide for Professional Athletes, by Professional Athletes." All others need not apply.

The OT, it turns out, stands for OverTime, and the magazine is divided, like pro football, into four quarters, plus a halftime.

In the Fall issue, the First Quarter discussed "Indecent (Investment) Proposals and How to Avoid Them," and "Success Stories," in this case about Ed McCaffrey, Rick Barry, Len Elmore, Illana Kloss and Anthony Munoz.

Second Quarter talked about "Caribbean Real Estate: What’s Hot Now;" "Meat Market: Top Steakhouses Nationwide;" and OT’s "Top 10 — U.S. Hot Spots."

Halftime featured "Name Brand Threads (for Him)" and "High Style (for Her)."

You get the idea. The magazine was launched in (where else?) Miami’s South Beach.

I’m not going to review the articles, but you should know about the ads. The inside front cover and facing page showed what has to be the biggest trailer bus in the world, a monster on wheels, big as a battleship, by Featherlite Luxury Coaches. Sitting next to it was a blonde on a motorcycle, with no mention of whether she went with the bus. Pro stars were invited to call for a showing.

Then came Dan Marino, full page, advertising Levinson Jewelers, where he and his wife Claire "have been customers for the past 20 years." Then things got serious.

”¡ Villas at Puerta del Sol, Mexico, surrounded by Jack Nicklaus golf courses (plural).

”¡ Planet Pershing yachts, from 43 feet to 88 feet, described as "a silver specter dancing across the water at 50 miles an hour."

”¡ Something called Taipan Wealth Advisors, offering "Wealth Management Solutions and Sophisticated Investment Strategies."

”¡ The International Academy of Architectural Landscape Lighting, the better to light your castle.

”¡ Grand Isle Villas in Great Exhuma, Bahamas, starting at a million. The J. P. King Auction Company, offering in this case the Lake Tahoe home of Michael Spanos, executive vice president of the San Diego Chargers; hotel-sized digs on the Navesink River in New Jersey, previously owned by John Valentin, "longtime shortstop of the Boston Red Sox;" and a 122-foot yacht, owned by a former minority principal of the Florida Marlins. Who, pray tell, would want a yacht owned by a minority principal of anything?

There were others, of course. Homes up to $3.5 million on a private island in the British West Indies. An Aston-Martin DB9 Volante, top speed 186 miles an hour. Hurry, the ad said, only 1,000 will be produced, starting at $168,000.

Estate Domestics, for "When Life Requires an Extra Hand."

For Sis, a feathered bag by MooRoo. For the "Go-To Guys," the Octo Bi-Retro watch by Gerald Genta, complete with instructions of how to tell time with it. Custom made shoes. A personalized barrel of Jack Daniels. A personal publicist, asking, "Can You Afford to Remain Anonymous?"

And then, wheels. A full page of specials from Palm Beach Exotic Collection. A Bentley Azure, with only 15,000 miles, "like new." A silver Aston-Martin with only 2,000 miles, driven only to church and back by a little old lady. A Lamborghini Murcielago, with only 400 miles (must have been the wrong color).

And then, to my astonishment, a home in Cobblestone, right above me in the Catalina foothills of Tucson. Perfect, I thought. Everyone should have a pro athlete for a neighbor. I prepared to call, when the price tag caught my eye. "Offered at $13,500,000."

Oh well, I’m sure Troy Glaus wouldn’t want to drive the 100 miles back and forth to Phoenix. I’ll send him a subscription to OT instead.