Imagine casinos
‘letting’ you win!

Apr 2, 2007 4:28 AM

In honor of April Fool’s Day, let’s hypothecate what it would be like if Colorado casinos answer every player’s dream and unanimously decide (gulp!) to let players win!

"The casinos have been winning in the long run for too long. It is time we share the wealth with our loyal guests," says the general manager of one Black Hawk casino. "We are sure that with the new promotion where we give $100 to every guest who walks through the door, whether they choose to play or not, will not attract any new guests but only our most loyal. Heck, it worked in Canada!"

Casino players would be surprised to learn that Blackjack would not be reconfigured to those nasty 6-5 payouts for a natural but, in an act that could be described in no other way except ridiculously generous, Colorado casinos would offer a payout of 6000-1, providing the players with a 5724% advantage over the house.

And with that much expected value (EV), expert players would no longer have to count cards, a compelling side benefit.

Of course slot players wouldn’t be left out. All machines would be re-configured to provide a dime’s worth of credit for every nickel deposited. "Why not" says KW Gold Digger’s GM ”˜Jazz Hands’ Jef, "it’s just good, solid math."

If upon learning that Colorado casinos in a non-collusive cartel decided to figuratively give away the house, Donald Trump would launch an investigation on how he could get into the action and be as successful in Colorado as he has not been in post-Borgota Atlantic City.

Who knows, one day we might see The Donald’s onion loaf of hair logging playing time on the penny machines at the Red Dolly, then wolfing down a $4.99 "almost" prime rib dinner.

Not to be left out in the cold, the former competitive towns of Black Hawk and Central City may join forces to undertake what can only be called a massive urban planning undertaking. Since snow and ice seem to be leading the cause of some of the more senior guests slipping and breaking their one good hip, the now cooperative twin cities would follow the lead of other frigid locales like Montreal and Republican headquarters and move all activities deep underground.

The two Indian casinos in what the pale faces call Ignacio and Towaoc, in a unified demonstration of their sovereign nation status, may choose to not only refuse any United States federal funding, but also refund all back assistance since 1931, when Indian tribes throughout the United States were federally recognized through a Supreme Court decision to be independent, sovereign nations.

"It just is not fair that our tribe should take from the Great White Father in Washington," says Chief In-Your-Face. "After all, we did receive this large, well located piece of land from them."

Also in a demonstration of real sovereignty, neither casino would accept U.S. dollars for wagers, but instead will only fade action of traditional Native American gaming wagers comprised of sticks, rocks, and an occasional feather.

Even casino suppliers would get into the spirit. Both major casino ATM and Credit Card Advance service companies, Global Cash Access and Game Cash, may end all charges for making ATM withdrawals. "Hey, it’s the player’s money. We simply want to make sure that everyone has access to his bank accounts," says a junior exectuve. "Why should we get a fee? It’s only fair."

Finally, Cripple Creek would trade history for one year with Deadwood, South Dakota. Mayor McCheese and the slightly slow Sergeant Grimace, who replaced disgraced Chief of Police, Big Mac, explained the decision. "You see both towns sort of look alike. While Deadwood has the daily re-creation of the trial of Jack McCall — the alleged killer of Wild Bill Hickok, there is no reason we could not slightly alter the historic tale and try the Hamburglar for stealing oh so many burgers from Ronald McDonald houses. Of course, no historic re-creations could occur before 10:30 a.m. when the disoriented slackers, unemployed, and unemployable take a break from watching Judge Mathis and Jerry Springer and foray the Golden Arches for 99¡ burgers to satisfy mid-morning munchies. Oh, by the way”¦ APRIL FOOLS!!!

Founded in 1996, Yarborough Planning, LLC fleeces the poor and stupid. Core competencies include big pimpin’, covering up needle marks, and impregnating Anna Nicole Smith. David Paster says, "screw you”¦ who died and made you bizzaro?!" If you don’t know how to reach him by now, you are probably not listed on his restraining order.