Boxing's cure: Mix Blagojevich and Kucinski with a Spitzer

Jan 27, 2009 5:07 PM
Pulling No Punches by Michael Katz |

This week’s biggest action fight involves Herman Ngoujo as a -150 favorite over Juan Urango (+120). They are fighting for the IBFony junior welterweight title in Quebec.

Anyone interested in betting on this piece of trivia belongs in rehab and I’ll drink to that.

Let’s drink, too, to Barack Obama for getting through his inauguration oath with hardly any mistakes. If we can mix politics with boxing (as John McCain threatened and no wonder he lost his Presidential bid) let’s hope there’s going to be a new "yes-we-can" attitude to solving the game’s ills.

We can all hope for the spirit of change, especially when it comes to the sanctioning bodies. Obama has already announced he was going to close Gitmo. I’m waiting for him to shut down the WBC.

Of course I’m not.

I have long been an advocate of the separation of sweet science and state. The thought of mixing politics with greed and corruption boggles the mind, though I must admit there seems to be a plethora of politicians who would feel at home in boxing.

Can’t you just see Rod Blagojevich as chairman of an alphabet ratings committee? Which would cost more – a Senatorial seat from Illinois or the No. 1 rating in the heavyweight division?

Of course, the way the heavyweight division is constituted these days, Caroline Kennedy could be a contender (if I can mix metaphors with impunity, why not mix states?).

George W. Bush may not fit as a future baseball commissioner, having been past owner of the Texas Rangers. I’m sure he would not want to be accused of any conflicts of interest, but as a potential boxing czar his vetting would be speedy.

 For vice, I know you’re thinking Dick Cheney, but not when we have better candidates – like Bill Clinton or Eliot Spitzer. Cheney would be free, with our blessing, to torture any promoter he deems fit to wiretap.

Joe Lieberman could be in charge of establishing interim champions, and then switching them. Ted Stevens could handle our Northern exposure.

Michael Brownie could chair a committee on containing Hurricane Don King damage. Joe Biden could handle ring announcements, though there’d always be the danger of fights starting past their scheduled times, annoying the TV crews overseen by FCC boxing subcommittee chairman Dandy Dennis Kucinski.

Donald Brumfield would be a neat nominee for keeping official deployments at a cost-saving figure. Why pay three judges when we know the winner before the fight starts?

Anthony Gonzalez could make sure all judges know which way to vote. Any financially strapped ex-pug could be handed a bailout from Harold Paulson.

The money, of course, would come from sanctioning fees, not taxes – an idea Big Government might wish to investigate. Haliburton could set up a retirement fund for Dick Cheney. Jimmy Carter could contribute peanuts.

Arnold Schwarzenegger could be in charge of all steroid testing. The overall medical supervision would be in the capable hands of Dr. Benjamin Atkins, who could also assist in helping fighters make weight.

Oh, he’s dead? Never mind. He’d still be ranked by Blagojevich. Where is Richard Nixon now that we need him to handle press relations?

Mayor Oscar Goodman of Las Vegas, who wants to build a mob museum for Bugs (don’t call me Siegel) Bunny and his old clients, could take over a wing at the International Boxing Hall of Fame where he could enshrine Frankie Carbo and Blinky Palermo along with such power brokers as Don King and Jose Sulaiman.

Ross Perot could chart the progress and Ralph Nader could handle consumer complaints.

Sorry, that almost made sense.

Rudy Giuliani would handle Florida and only Florida. John Edwards would faithfully serve in any capacity that requires $400 haircuts. Women’s boxing would be supervised by Sarah Palin and her Alaska troopers.

And, Joe the Plumber would handle any fights that need fixing.

So let us pray, Ricky Warren.