Try to find a ‘Super Duper Advantage!’

May 14, 2002 2:41 AM

Video poker is a very unforgiving game. Because it’s played on a computer we figure it’s high-tech and very enjoyable ”” filled with all the fun and excitement of a teen playing his or her own brand of video games. Players, however, tend to forget that the casinos have so many of these machines in their inventories for one simple reason ”” to separate as many people as possible from as much of their cash as possible”¦and as quickly as possible.

So what then can a player do in order to have a chance against these computers? I’ve come up with a scenario that’s sure to improve the results of the totally math-based gambler, and in turn may yet turn the misled soul into a state-of-the-art player.

Anyone who believes that long-term computer-perfect play will yield some type of tiny win percentage will be glad to discover my new method ”” which will undoubtedly crank out nothing but more winning sessions for these people. It’s called "Super-Duper Advantage Video Poker."

Here’s how it works: First, you must never deviate from the perfect draws that make you a flawless player. One mistake could cost you .0018457 in EV, and could theoretically lower your earnings/hour by 3 cents. We couldn’t have that.

Second, always use your slot club card, and before each and every hand, check to see that it is inserted properly. If you thought making a mistake playing was dreadful, imagine the cost if your card missed just one hand of play! You are acutely aware that in order for you to make up stories of yet another winning year, you have to have 100 percent of the slot club benefits that allow you to apply your own individual values to all the gifts and other freebies prior to the annual tooting of the horn. And horror of horrors if you should ever look up and see the words "REINSERT CARD!"

Next ”” and this is by far the most important of all requirements to be able to transform into a winning player ”” it is mandatory that you purchase one of the computer programs on the market that allow you to practice the mathematically perfect draws at work or at home. After all, since there’s oodles of your own skill involved with the cards you’ve received on the deal, why slack off now? Certainly, you know your deals are far superior to those of Grandma Tilly and her husband sitting next to you! You’re a highly skilled player, are you not?

Now we’ll really get into the meat of this strategy. It’s time to separate the men from the cross-dressers. No more dilly-dallying. As Frank Sinatra used to say, it’s time to change the tone because "that’s where the money is." And here’s why some people can certify themselves as video poker pros while all the others will remain hopeless wannabes ”” they have home computers and they know how to add. What? Is that all it takes? Well, frankly speaking, YES! It’s time to strap on that seatbelt, because here’s why.

We’re told the game’s math theoretically allows for royals to pop up about once every 45,000 hands or so. We’re also told that throughout one’s lifetime, no matter when or where we play, it is all part of the exact same long-term that will eventually result in some kind of win to be taken with us into our next life. (Of course, we must never make mistakes and the machines must all cooperate mechanically ”” but those are "gimmies"). So my Super-Duper Advantage strategy takes all this to the next level. Sort of like manipulating the system ”” which we know gamblers love to brag about doing.

Here’s how this works: The next time you hit a royal flush in the casino, go home immediately and play 40,000 to 50,000 hands on your home computer ”” always hoping that your perfect play does not yield another royal. If it does, start again. If not, it’s time to hit the casinos once again, and since you’ve eliminated tens of thousands of useless hands in the long-term scheme of things, you’re ripe for the big one.

And there’s absolutely no limit to the number of times you can do this. Think of it ”” lose at home for free, and win at the casinos! Doesn’t it make mathematical sense? What’s the difference if you play the game at home or in a casino? Funny, I don’t recall any of the video poker experts telling us this. Maybe I’ll finally get some recognition from them, if not a finders’ fee.