A discourse for the distaff

Apr 29, 2003 4:36 AM

I was talking to a little lady poker player the other day ”¦ Yes, I still talk to the ladies, but since I married Carol about 50 years ago I no longer chase them around the block.

What’s that, Carol? Yes, I understand the rules; it’s okay to talk and okay to teach ladies how to play poker, but I cannot pass go and collect $200.

Well, this young lady poker player was telling me she cuts out my columns and posts the Oklahoma Johnny Hale’s Poker Tip of the Week on her refrigerator.

Gosh, what an honor. I’ll work to get my head back down to size. And just for the other ladies out there, I’ll try to help their poker game a little.

So, you old hairy-legged boy poker players, go get a beer as I talk to the ladies today.

My friend Amarillo Slim has a new book about his life, and I recommend that all of you poker players get your copy and read the stories Slim has to tell about life and poker.

I have carte blanche from Slim to tell anything that comes to mind about him, and he will give me 30 minutes to gather a crowd on the courthouse steps and he will swear to the crowd that anything and everything I say is nothing but the truth.

So ladies, Slim told me to tell you that he was misquoted when it was reported that he would cut his throat with a dull kitchen knife if a woman ever won a poker tournament.

Slim explained that what he said was if that certain lady (her name was Vera) ”¦ Yes, Carol, you remember Vera. No, I can’t tell that story.

Anyway, Slim said if that lady (Vera) ever won the World Series of Poker, he would "cut his own throat with a dull kitchen knife."

But now I want to return and give all the nice lady poker players:

Oklahoma Johnny’s Poker Tips of the Week
for Ladies Only

No. 1. When you are playing 4 and 8 Hold’em, never lead the boys. Like when you were at the dance, remember your cotillion and let the man lead.

He will bet your hand for you, and at the last possible moment you can raise his butt. But during the play of the hand, just let him think that he is the boss and that you are helpless.

Just play like the damsel in distress. You know, just like you did when you were playing the courting game with your husband. I know you let him chase you until you caught him.

No. 2. When you are playing any type of poker, never allow the man to think that you have any idea about what is going on.

Do not act like a Miss Know It All. Be just the other way. Everything must be explained to you.

Just like Queen Guinevere with Sir Lancelot, King Arthur and the knights of the round table, just play the lady at the table and you will have all the knights in shining armor just holding their breath.

Until, that is, it is their turn to rise to your defense and be your champion.

No. 3. Buy a copy of my newest book and I will tell you "Sixty-five Ways to Improve Your Life and Your Poker Game." You didn’t think you’d get all 65 here, in this column, did you?

Until next time, remember your cotillion ladies and stay lucky!