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As Ralph might say:
Pack your bags, Alice!

Jan 13, 2004 6:18 AM

In addition to colonizing Iraq and Afghanistan (what was the body count this week?) King George II has some new plans cooking for us.

His minions have revealed plans to establish a permanent human settlement on the moon, and ultimately eventual colonization of Mars.

Never mind worrying about those amazing pictures of rocks all over the forlorn landscape. There’s land up there, and who knows, perhaps oil, and think of the job that Halliburton and Bechtel might do once Cheney turns them loose.

There was no announcement whether the new settlements on the moon and Mars are related to the huge influx that will result from the Bush Amnesty Plan for illegal workers, announced this month as a friendly nod to Hispanic voters. Knowing the devious thinking of The Team, it is possible that’s where they plan to send the new wave of arrivals.

You might scoff at first blush about this latest Adminstration idea, coming on top of color coding the threat to the nation. (Do you prefer an orange alert or a red? Would a purple do?)

But think about it for a moment.

What an opportunity this presents!

The moon will have to be ruled by someone, and rejoice in the possible choices.

On the first boatload, Dick Cheney. Get him out of hiding and put him in charge of land development as vice president of Moon Halliburton.

  Someone will have to be in charge of defending the place, so suitable housing can be set up for grinning Donald Rumsfeld, who has been overshadowed lately by Condeleeza Rice as she has been elevated to favored supernumerary status, walking respectfully two steps behind The King.

Paul Wolfowitz and Richard Perle would do great up there, hurling warlike threats at other planets that might covet our takeover, or even declaring war on parts of Mars not covered by the rover Spirit. Those barren flats and mountains in the distance represent a clear threat to American security. Maybe Bin Laden is hiding there, and we could send an expeditionary force to root him out. Bush promised us that, you’ll recall, after 9/11, and maybe he will be able to deliver before election day.

The Pentagon always needs new spots for missile tests, and where better than those cold ranges on both the moon and Mars. Why blow up an atoll when you can blast away at virgin terrain?

Guantanamo has been a thorn in the administration’s side for several years. Why not take all those chained Al Quedas and ship them to the moon, out of the public eye? You could do what you wanted to those guys up there, and hardly anyone would know. Tighten those screws, boys.

  Suspect Arabs could be sent there. No need to keep scrutinizing them here. If they look suspicious, haul ”˜em off on the next outbound rocket, and keep the Homeland safe. Give Tom Ridge headquarters on the biggest crater available, and get him out of Washington.

  These are just a few of the possibilities. There are others.

  Instead of having eight or nine Democratic presidential candidates fighting noisily among themselves or ganging up on Howard Dean in public view, fire them off to the far side of the moon, out of sight and sound.

Apathy in politics has been a growing problem in the land, and here is our great opportunity. Hold early elections and give everyone a job. What a dream, starting over in a place with no unemployment and unlimited job opportunities.

As for those out of work, the moon is the perfect answer. You are too young to remember Franklin Roosevelt’s work corps, but that’s how many of the roads and dams and other major projects in this country were built. There is no reason to think the idea couldn’t be resurrected as a Republican reincarnation to develop the moon into Levitttown North.

  We’re not sure The King is serious about all this, being that there is an election coming up, but he sure has got us thinking. As he says, "Let no ornery child be left behind." Send ”˜em all to the moon.